Makes Me Scratch My Head

From the Makes Me Think blog:

Today, I got pulled over on my way home from youth group for a tail light. My realization of the night: That I'm so blessed to have people around me that I've never met that have devoted their lives to try to make mine safer. MMT

Okay, Flanders, I'm not sure what's in the Kool Aid served at your youth group, but in my experience, if you're getting pulled over for a tail light it means the cop is a being a prick or you're being profiled.

Also, Jesus, please stop allowing your groupies to be so stupid.

Amen, brother.

from Jeffrey Rowland @ OVERCOMPENSATING

People sometimes rag on me for constantly making fun about how stupid America is. Well I'm sorry, but most of America is just dumb as hell. And ignoring the problem isn't going to fix anything. Not hurting people's feelings isn't going to fix anything. Being snarky and capitalizing on the situation for a moment of narcissistic superiority isn't enough. If you're stupid on purpose, that is pretty much the worst thing you can do. We got to figure out a way to make it be illegal to be stupid on purpose or something.

I mean, I write in this weird kinda dumbass way so it might sound like I'm bein' stupid on purpose but it is actually kind of hard to pull this off when I know better, that's how you can tell. You know what I mean.

All the dumb makes me not want to even go anywhere most of the time.

Resolutions

I don't subscribe to the idea of making New Year's resolutions. If change needs to be made in my life, I'll generally think through what I need to do, feel better about myself for at least having put forth that much effort, return to my normal routine, and then actually make change months or years later when the pain of reality has forced me into the fetal position.
Even though I am heterosexual and am not shy about being a "breast man," I am apparently a savory piece of eye candy to gay men, and my friends continue to needle me about being a closet homosexual. Feeling that this perception has gone on too long, I have decided to make a list of changes in an effort to remove me from the gaydar:

• Stop using a high pitched, feminine voice when replying to banal pleasantries (e.g. "Good morning", "I'm good, how are you?", "Thanks, I would like to join you in your hot tub, later.")
• Never again refer to myself as "a savory piece of eye candy."
• Stop telling people that in the Which MadMan Are You? quiz, I am most like the art director and closeted gay, Sal Romano.
• Delete my photo of a holiday dance performance in which I'm wearing a black tutu. Also stop using this to try and impress women.
• Start my work days off with albums besides Mariah Carey's Emotions.
• Do not reference fashion blogs such as Go Fug Yourself in conversation.
• Stop ordering Smirnoff Ice at bars.
• Switch from smoking Virginia Slims to Camels.
  

This is certainly not a complete or comprehensive list, but for now, it's a start. I'll add to it as I become aware of behavior that causes others to recoil.

Dear napping coworker,

Being able to take a nap in your car on your lunch break is pretty sweet. I say that because I do it myself from time to time. You'll also notice that I park in the far end of the parking garage everyday because I know it to be a cherry napping spot, should I need it. If you're going to join the napping club, could you at least show some respect and properly pull into ONE parking space? Parking across 2 spaces like you just pulled in after a late night at the pub makes you look like a selfish bitch.

Suck it,
King Napper

Banality

Just overheard at noon in the busy, company kitchen:
"It looks like lunchtime!"
No shit. How can you tell?

This is a good example of all the mundane shit I hear in conversation around my office. This also reminds me of why I don't typically engage in casual conversation with my coworkers. Sure, I may come off as an asshole, but I truly don't care about the personal lives of most of my coworkers because, well, they're boring.

Another bit of triteness I can do without is when, every Friday morning, one of my coworker says to me in a sing-song way, "It's Fri-day!"

Nooooo sheee-it, Mr. Obvious. I know it's Friday. Everyone knows it's Friday. Are you implying that you're about to cut loose for the weekend? I doubt that. Nothing awesome is going to result from you tending to your bratty kids for the next 2 days. I am only interested in your weekend if it's on par with a Tucker Max story. See ya on Monday.

Unsolicited Advice

Let me preface this story by stating that I don't care for unsolicited advice - especially when I'm working out at the gym. I'm always wearing earbuds and rarely make eye contact with anyone. I think this body language clearly states that I want to be left alone.

Tonight, at the gym, a young man with a crustache and tattoos approached me and said, "Excuse me, sir, are you going for strength or conditioning?"

"Actually, neither. I'm doing rehab exercises because my rotator cuff is acting up. But thank you."

"Oh, well because some people do 20 reps at one weight and think they can..."

"Right, well I've been doing these exercises for several years now, so I got it. Thanks..."

Now, kindly fuck off!

But thanks for calling me "sir."

I Am Not Your Help Document

A select group of my coworkers can't think for themselves. Perhaps it's not so much a "can't" as a "won't." Perhaps they are plagued by a laziness even more severe than my own. Whatever the case may be, I get asked a lot of questions that, in my opinion, could easily be answered if said person were to try finding the answer herself. Microsoft products have large help sections. They may not always be the easiest or most intuitive things to use, but if you're a master over your patience then you will eventually find your answer. Or, just look it up on the interwebs. I'm not hoarding all the help information from every application I've ever used. I am not the gatekeeper of knowledge in our company. So, for the sake of my sanity and your mortality, spend some time trying to solve the problem yourself before asking for my help.